Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
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Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
If you know, you know
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
This story is comedy gold 😂
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years