coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I only treason on days ending in y
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.