Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
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She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.