@upsidedowntrash

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

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@texasstalkermom

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

@StymieBrewer

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

@Xalqee

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

@SardonicTart

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

@GreyDeLisle

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

@TheRolo

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

@PaperWash

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

@envydatropic

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.