@texasstalkermom Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
@upsidedowntrash Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
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@texasstalkermom 
@StymieBrewer Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
@Xalqee I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
@SardonicTart *Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
@jlestos If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
@GreyDeLisle My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
@TheRolo [Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
@PaperWash Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
@envydatropic Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.