Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
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Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already