Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in