Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
You Might Also Like
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol