@AbbyHasIssues On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
@heiditron3000 Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
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@AbbyHasIssues 
@ericsshadow “GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
@robfee Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
@OneFunnyMummy How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
@ninatreemonkey Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
@iamWillemDafoe oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
@petemandik ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
@StinkyGr33n What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
@sweatheartmoony The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
@PaigeKellerman Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.