@heiditron3000

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

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@AbbyHasIssues

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

@ericsshadow

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

@robfee

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

@ninatreemonkey

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

@iamWillemDafoe

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

@petemandik

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

@StinkyGr33n

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

@PaigeKellerman

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.