Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
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Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
My blood type is b hungry.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Bill is short for Billiam
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*