COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
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girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Oceanography is all about current events
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life