Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
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i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
When you’re here for the treats.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.