Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
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did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?