Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
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Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Finished stitching this today 😇
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity