Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991