Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
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Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant