Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
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If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t