Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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You learn something every day
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla