Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

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A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.


I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.


I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]


The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.


Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.


I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.


I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.


Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder


I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.


Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”