COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
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*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
The French cow says MEUX…
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
ok this is my dumbest yet
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.