Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
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*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes