My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
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*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
choose your gary
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?