@TheRealPalMal

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

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@MadHatterMommy

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

@DaveOshry

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

@funnyordie

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

@UncleDuke1969

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

@cravin4

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

@CafeinatedBacon

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

@graceupongracie

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

@thajawn

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?