Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
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I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
hmmm
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down