Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Storm Tropical Storm
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.