coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
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HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
i hope my email finds you on fire
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned