Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
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I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I am all good here, 😂😉
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Fight
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.