Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
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IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Every BBC series about the universe.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Was it something I said?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved