Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
You Might Also Like
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
this is the news I live for
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
How to properly lift a body
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit