*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
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Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me