doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: collaborate and listen
Me: you forget about me
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”