@PeaceInTruth1

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

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@PaperWash

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

@Storminika

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

@andlikelaura

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

@Renie_Rivas

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

@Ccastr000

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

@ilovepie84

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

@ozzyunc

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

@TheToddWilliams

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”