Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

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doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password


Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’



Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series


I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.


If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.


Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.


I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”


“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”