Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
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Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I鈥檝e joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 馃槹
My baby:
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
It鈥檚 that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don鈥檛 think it鈥檚 portmantotally malapropriate.
The only jealous bone I鈥檝e ever had in my body is yours.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
this is the greatest thing ever
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I can鈥檛 even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else