coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
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i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Hot Hot Hot
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .