COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
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Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Midwest trash talk
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u