coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
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Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Finally, an explanation.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”