coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
You Might Also Like
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
crying
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end