coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
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When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.