Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
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It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.