Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
house sitting!
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same