Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”