@

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

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@AllieGoertz

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

@shutupmikeginn

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

@casual_koala

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

@UberFacts

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

@Snookem420

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

@notfunnyelle

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

@weinerdog4life

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button