Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.


When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours


If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?


2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.


I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.


Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”


7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter


Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab


Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.