@Tmoney68 I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
@thejamietighe Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
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@Tmoney68 
@BuckyIsotope ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
@ColoradoUgly At least he brought enough for everyone
@murrman5 My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
@awkwardphilippe Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
@tamytoo2 Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
@UnFitz Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
@Seanzkelly Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
@smithsara79 Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
@Elizasoul80 I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.