@thejamietighe

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

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@Tmoney68

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

@murrman5

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

@awkwardphilippe

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

@tamytoo2

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

@UnFitz

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

@Seanzkelly

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

@smithsara79

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

@Elizasoul80

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.