coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
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At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Only Americans understand
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*