Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Leonardo DiCaprisun
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.