Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
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[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind