coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
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ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me