coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
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Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties