Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My daily affirmation
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I enjoy a good short stor
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx