Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
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Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Basketball
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.