@Jmboyd58 When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
@writerPT Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
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@Jmboyd58 
@TheTweetOfGod “I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
@VerbsRProudest Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
@CatJacquesESPN When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
@AndyAsAdjective You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
@fro_vo [on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
@DannyZuker My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
@AmericanGent69 Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
@neiltyson QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
@XplodingUnicorn No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.