Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.


“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).


Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.


When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible


[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”


My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.


Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.


QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.


No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.