Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
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Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.