@sleepyassboy

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

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@Dani_Feld

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

@peteholmes

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

@Angibangie

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

@LaLuchaNix

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

@0ne_1980

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

@iamvkhil2

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

@midnightwhale

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

@trashcanbee

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

@TheAndrewNadeau

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

@EndhooS

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”