Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
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Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.