coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
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Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
i think both sides are to blame here
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side