coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning