coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
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When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I only say stupid things when I talk.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*