Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
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*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget